(photo credit: Santita88)
This picture just personifies how I feel right now. After weeks of uncertainty, fear, and an unbelievable amount of reflection & soul-searching, I finally feel free! And I praise you Lord, God, with tears streaming down my face that I am not facing cancer or surgery. Now perhaps I can sleep through the night without waking in a fit, and not being able to get back to sleep.
And I'm sorry, Lord. You know that trust is hands-down the biggest problem I have. I heard you clearly saying this afternoon, after I got the call from my first doctor, "When are you really going to trust me?" To which I replied, "I do trust you, Lord, but...". To which you immediately cut me off & said, "Yeah, it's that 'but' part you still need to work on!"
I hear you, Lord. And I'm truly sorry. I don't know how to thank you for the promise I started to wonder about - "plans for hope and a future". You do have them for me. I guess I just should have not given in to the despair & doubt & worry, and instead maintained in the forefront (not in the background) that I refused to believe the God I serve who has finally gotten me to the place He's been leading me for 11 years, would allow me to face that kind of struggle without even having the chance to enjoy this place for a little while. But you showed me, just like you always do...again. I'm trying, Father, I am...to trust you implicitly. Forgive me.
But mostly....thank you, Jesus, for helping me to really evaluate my life & those things that matter most. I look forward to what I can do for you. Light my path, and show me the way. I want to live in a way that is pleasing to you, and not about me.
And my dear, dear BB's .... thank you ALL for your kind words and prayers and faith. Your love and encouragement has strengthened me to face whatever I would face. I praise God for all of you as well!