Awaiting with hope...

My dearest BB's (blogging buddies) ~

This week for me has been very challenging, frightening, and emotionally draining. It's testing my faith yet again, but God is faithful. Bear with me, friends. Ya know how when you're simmering a stew or a soup and you add things here and there as needed to build up the flavors so that the finished bowl was well worth the time invested? That's what this post is. This is a long post, I'll grant you, but you will find renewal here by the time you finish.

I spent some time here on Thursday. I needed this...

wish I could have been here as well

(photo credit Jack Freund on flickr)

And I've done a lot of this type of reflection...

(Queen Latifah in "Last Holiday", a movie I highly recommend)

but mostly this....

I admit, that for some time now, I've felt that this is my life ....

that I'm running out of time...mostly to be loved again and to give love - I truly do miss that. But now I'm seeing that the love I'm craving, too, is the kind where I give of myself to others and reach many with what He's trying to say. I feel like I've barely scratched the surface. I've done so much learning to prepare for....for what? I want to do so much more! Not for adulation, but to have someone say "I really needed to hear that today" because their spirit is hurting and they are craving what God gave them through me. Other than raising my boys, that's my purpose...I know it as surely as I sit here. And what a privilege to be His instrument to reach people for Him. I don't want that to end. Does that make me selfish?

Sometimes it even feels more like this....

So, have you ever seen or heard of the "Bucket List"? You know, you make a list of all the things you'd like to do before you kick the bucket. Well, I've done quite a bit of that this week. It's truly remarkable where you see that you place your values. What I've found is that I want to seek out those things that most bring me peace. It's not about what I can attain at this point, it's not about who I can meet, it's not about the need to "do" something. For me, it's about being with those I love most in this world, and seeing places that show His majesty, and bring me to that still, quiet place within myself where I find perfect peace.

(Lake Tahoe - courtesy of travellingboard.net)

(Crater Lake)

(Crater Lake ~ courtesy of skimountaineer.com)

(an Alaskan cruise...)

(...with whale watching...)

(...and bears catching salmon...BUT MOSTLY ....)

(...the auroras!!!)

But mostly, here.....

....here in the Great Smokie Mountains is where I find my most sacred peace. I haven't even been there yet, but, oh how these pictures, flood me with His majesty, warmth, and rest for my soul! I can only imagine what I will find when I actually experience the glory and beauty of His creation with my own eyes.

And I've spent some quality time listening to this glorious song that I truly believe is God speaking right to us...(pardon the commercial at the beginning)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-8ez6dGao8

So...as I await test results to determine the path my life will now lead, I reflect on this picture below. (I'm sorry the picture quality is not that great, but it's the best I could get at the time.) Upon having my lastest test completed, I went to Cracker Barrell (a place I rarely ever eat) and in the gift shop I found this. It is a picture I have always loved, but could never find or afford. I have a loving fascination with trees. And I think I somehow equate this with my life...the lone tree with no other trees around it...(like not having someone significant in my life to share this journey). Anyway, this was the last one on the shelf. Yet another 'God thing' ... where I felt Him saying "it's all going to be ok....I'm with you, you are not alone." This speaks to my very soul.

And as I reflect on what it says, Psalm 46:10 ~ Be still and know that I am God, He reminds me, with a smile to my face, how I used to always (ok, admittedly, sometimes still do) say "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you're God, but when are you gonna....[fill in the blank]", to which He always said "ah, ah, ah....You're NOT BEING STILL!!!" with the finger wagging (I picture it in my head as I type this). I'm finding that learning to be still is a lifelong lesson ... do we ever really learn it? .... I hope one day to master!

Anyway, I don't know how it was that I found this video below & most importantly, this song - other than to say that it's another one of those 'God things'. But please watch it ... and do some reflecting of your own.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2aM4HUbzlo

BB's, I ask you to do this for me, please - I know, within the depths of my being, that God is using this experience for me, to put it into words to wake people up and come to take stock and really "get" what's important in this life. None of us are promised tomorrow. Please link back to this post on your blog. I don't have enough followers for this to make the significant impact I know He's wanting to make, the way that it could with all of your followers to read as well.

Satan wants me to believe that I'm being nothing but a drama queen, but I know different. God's speaking...and I'm listening. Even if all is well...this experience has changed me, and in that...through my words here, I pray God causes a change in you as well!

Always remember...there's a reason the rearview is smaller than the windshield! Always look forward to where God is taking you, with only glances to what's behind.

Blessings ~ Merana

PS - Please visit Charlotte and Ginger at Spiritual Sundays to read inspirational posts &/or link up/share @ www.bloggerspirit.blogspot.com