My house

Ok, I confess to being brought to beyond the absolute breaking point in my faith. Not at the end of my rope, but hanging on to the very last thread of that shredded, unraveled rope. It was the worst experience in my life...worse that the death of my mother and of my marriage falling apart at the same time. Ever been to this place?

Several years ago I was praying constantly about a situation in my life. I was so undecided what to do when the Holy Spirit told me to proceed on a certain path. Knowing Satan as I do, I spoke the name of Jesus and commanded Satan to flee as I asked the Lord again if this was the road God wanted me to travel. Now, previously the Holy Spirit told me point blank when I was torn with a decision I was asking for guidance about, was "if you don't have a peace about it, it's not from me". Ok, so in this situation I had that peace...excitement even!

So I traveled down that path. And everything didn't fall apart, or simply not go the way I hoped & planned for....no, it blew up in my face, big time. I was so hurt, so disillusioned, so devastated, so disgusted....and then so mad. I was furious at God and I let Him know it in no uncertain terms. My spirit felt utterly destroyed...as if it was totally disconnected to my person...like part of me just died that day.

I remember being at my friend, Kathleen's, house just sobbing & I just slid down the cabinets into a heap on the floor. I was living a crushed, devastated, destroyed spirit. It was more than just not getting what I wanted to believe was going to happen, what was going to be the best. It was about feeling utterly betrayed and led astray by the one Person I should be able to trust with everything. And I'll tell ya...it's a true friend who will turn off dinner on the stove and join you in that heap on the floor, with tears streaming down her face too. (looking back now, I realize that was one of the greatest blessings in the mess of my life! Thank you, dear Kathleen....you will never understand what that gesture of your sweet, loving spirit did to carry me through!)

I admit that my faith was gone! I railed at God, "I did what You told me to do and this is what I get in return? This is what believing in You means? It's all a lie. No thanks! I want no part of it or You." So yes...Satan won...he got another one. I have never felt more devastated in my life. Not only did my human side hurt, but my spirit hurt. I understood wailing.

Well, after a few days of yelling at God, or snide comments to Him, it occurred to me, 'why are you still talking to Him if you say you don't believe in Him?' Hmmm??? Why indeed! Well, what I didn't remember...and Satan chose to ignore...is that the battle is the Lord's, just like 1 Samuel 17:47 tells us.

God spoke right into my broken, devastated heart and told me, "Yes, daughter, I allowed your house of faith to be destroyed just like a tornado will do...
...your house wasn't as strong as you thought it was.

But what's left after you clear the debris?
The foundation. And it is upon that foundation WE are going to build a bigger, and much stronger, house of faith together...one that can withstand the storms much better. He revealed that there is only so much you can try to bury away and keep the doors closed & locked in your spirit of not dealing with issues. You have to deal with everything in life eventually...even when your house is destroyed. So, through shaking uncertainty, I said, "Ok Lord, I'm still really upset with you, but I will help you build."

And, as always, He was right to do it. My house was nowhere near as strong as I thought it was. And it was revealed months later that had I been "successful" in traveling that path....well, let's just say it would have impacted my life in one of the most negative manners I've ever experienced. So, in allowing this devastation, He was really saving me and my children ....as He always does.... and He was building me stronger.

And I admit that several years after that, I had another really bad scrape in my faith. But the house still stood! I had warning signs that I chose to ignore, so I have no one to blame but myself. But it's what finally led to surrender. I still was holding on to "control" of my life (that's just such a misnomer!). But this last time, I finally gave up completely...total & complete surrender to His plans for my life. And He has blessed me tremendously!

This blog was born from that. What a blessing this has become in my life with all the lovely friends I have made here. I only pray that some of what I say reaches into your spirits and encourages you with what He knows you need. That is why I'm here. Not for me. But to reach you for Him....sort of as a channel you turn to on the tv that captivates you and speaks right into your soul with what you desperately need to hear. I leave that up to Him. I know He will direct everyone here who needs to read exactly what He wants them to know...to assure them that even through this means....He is with you always!

I know there will be future trials, but for now....I'm praising & reveling in where He's brought me...and fortifying my house with devoted time in Him.

Blessings & love in Him ~ Merana

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