Lost

I have felt an uneasy, discombobulated, restlessness deep within my spirit this week. So much is bouncing around in there, that even with prayer, I'm finding no sense of cohesion. I cannot formulate a thought process from beginning to conclusion. I can't concentrate. Everything is random. I know God wants to say something...but what? I try to gather myself here before you.

I think part of what has me held captive is that lovely "September Blue". I know you know it. Remember that glorious shade of blue the sky held on 9-11-01? I've been blessed to see that a lot this week. And I always get very reflective the week before 9-11. I always spend some time during this week looking through my magazines and a book I got at a yard sale introducing us to know a bit about every person who died that day, with a picture of them. And I always watch the 9-11 documentary that just happened to be being filmed at a fire company when this tragic day occurred. The film captures so much, I'm amazed even after all the times I watch it. I always watch the people in it & wonder, 'did you make it out? did you?' And then to watch what takes place inside the building as they realize it's coming down on top of them. I bawl my eyes out every single time. Now, I know some people will say I shouldn't subject myself to this, but I'm always going to! I'm not trying to be macarbre. I'm not trying to stay focused in the past. But it's my simple way of respecting those people whose lives were changed forever that day, and to honor those who lost their lives. I can't NOT do it. I keep all these things in what I call my "9-11 Box", which, presently, I cannot locate...it's been misplaced from recent work I had done on the house. Furthering my sense of restlessness.

So many times in life we find ourselves lost ... or just feeling as if we are lost ... you know, when you feel hopeless, like there's no purpose, nothing makes sense no matter how hard you try to analyze it, there's no clear sense of which direction to head. It's rather like this...

aimless, endless, barren, with storm clouds overhead!

I'm so in love with Michael Buble's song, "Lost", as I've posted before. The lyrics speak right to my soul: Life can show no mercy, it can tear your soul apart, it can make you feel like you've gone crazy but you're not. Things have seemed to change. There's one thing that's still the same. In my heart you have remained. And we can fly, fly, fly away. 'Cause you are not alone. And I am there with you. And we'll get lost together, til the light comes pouring through. 'Cause when you feel like you're done, and the darkness has won. Babe, you're not lost. When the worlds crashing down, and you can't bear the cross, I said, baby, you're not lost! Every time I hear it, I swear I feel like it's the Lord singing it right into my spirit, reassuring my spirit...we are NOT lost!

I associate so much in life with music. I can hear a song & instantly be taken back...the song remembers when. I recently heard a song that always reminds me of one of the stupidest mistakes I've ever made (of which there are many, admittedly). Every time I would hear that song, I'd switch to the next song so I didn't have to deal with the emoutional upheaval hearing it would bring. But this week, as I reached to hit the 'next' button, something stronger held me in place & said, "NO! You need to listen to it this time. You need to stop deflecting & ignoring & burying & hiding. You need to suck it up & deal with the pain this song evokes. But, oh my gosh, is God beautiful & faithful to heal! This time I heard it not from my perspective, but from His. The lyrics he brought to the forefront are poignant: Spinning on another wheel, goin' round in slow motion. You can make a better life, you're just waiting for the right moment. You can find another way, you're just waiting for the right moment. When you gonna reach out, only you can turn your world around. When you gonna let go, and forget about the life you knew. When will you surrender, and wake up to the real. Now you know that it's all borrowed time, and still you waste another day. But you watch and you wait for a sign...all along the way. ("The Right Moment" by Gerry Rafferty)

I believe we all must somehow become lost in order to be found. "Only you can turn your world around" like it says above. We must make the choice to invite Christ in. No one can do it for us. When we're lost, He will light our way. We have that assurance. Isaiah 42:16 ~ I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

Thank you, Father, for taking all the negatives and making them positive...just like you promised you would. But thank you most, Lord God, for extending your hand to take mine and show me the way. May the paths I travel bring comfort to others and reach them in ways that only you know they need. Please just direct me when I'm at the crossroads to take the path you would have me take, light the way for me, and direct my steps. In Jesus' holy, and most precious name. Amen