Lenten studies....and learning #2

Ok, so I'm reading even further in the Lenten studies booklets I have that I referenced previously. This booklet, however, is a compilation of C.S. Lewis' works. Today's reading calls for "A Deeper Change", and it goes in line with what I posted on Friday. As I was reading it, the Holy Spirit reminded me of a line from Facing the Giants. Fabulous movie that is chock-FULL of on liners that stick with you forever, and that the Spirit uses to remind you of something & give you direction.

So the reading said, in part, this: "We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way - centered on money or pleasure or ambition - and hoping, in spite of this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly. And that is exactly what Christ warned us you could not do." It then expanded, saying "If I am a field of grass, I cannot produce wheat. If I want to produce wheat, the change must go deeper than the surface. I must be plowed up and re-sown", then quotes 1 Corinthians 10:1 ~ So if you think you are standing, watch out that you do not fall.

And the Holy Spirit reminded me of the line in the movie that is the one liner that sticks with my best friend the most. A young man is quite the soccer player. However, he & his father move to a new place & the school does not have a soccer team. He is debating going out on the football team as a kicker. His self-rejection fear holds him back as he says to his dad (& mostly to himself!), "What if I'm not good enough? What if I don't make the team?" To which, his father said, "Can you be any more not on the team than you already are?" WOW!!! It just demonstrates that if we are not willing to step out in faith to where God is taking us, we will never be able to see what He has in store for us come to fruition!

Yes, just like the picture above shows, we may face slippery situations, but if we are keeping our eyes on Christ & following where HE leads, He will light the way & be with us along each stepping stone....and also waiting with open arms on the other side of that path. But we certainly can never get there if we won't step out onto that next stone and follow where He's leading us.

Thank you, Father, for your guiding hand and love....and for wanting even more for me than I can even imagine that I want for myself!

pondering....

Why are people so dang afraid to just tell others how they feel about them? Really! Tomorrow is promised to NO ONE! Is pride or regret the greater motivator for them? Me.....I chose to live with little regrets! Can't change the past, except to try to make amends. But I can certainly change the direction of my future!

Lenten studies....and learning

Working as I do as a church secretary, I have access to a great deal of resources. One of those came in the mail in the form of a Lenten Studies booklet that is a compilation of Henri Nouwen's work. I LOOOOVE him!

Anyway, one of the day's studies focused on how we fall into traps & the greatest of these, the one that most certainly holds us down, holds us back, or out-&-out will defeat us, is that of "self-rejection". Think about it. Self rejection comes from that place inside us where negativity screams, "you're no good", "you're fat", "you're ugly", "you have scars", "who would ever love you", "you're worthless", "you're weak", "you'll never amount to anything", "you're a failure".....you get the idea!

And these feelings of inadequacies are what drive us to seek our worth in unworthy places....success, popularity, power....to the point that we don't even see our true worth, but a worldly worth. It's not about what we can achieve for the Lord, but more of what we can prove to ourselves & the world. But really, we're still that same little insecure child within when you get down to brass tacks! THAT doesn't just go away because you get/achieve/accomplish more, more, more. It's superficial. It's the thumb in the dike to hold back the water dripping out of the hole. But it's not fixing the problem that caused the hole to begin with!

But those are all lies of the tempter, the Father of Lies. He WANTS us to stay defeated in the trap of self-loathing, self-rejection. Otherwise, we would stand firm in who we are in Christ & accomplish great things for His Kingdom. Trusting in God means stepping out of our comfort zone. Yes, that's right, you heard me.....it's "comfortable" to stay in the place where you don't think so highly of yourself. Not "comfortING", but "comfortable" in the sense that it's what you know....where you're used to being. Perhaps you were led there by others' views of you and thus, have limited yourself because of it.

This Lenten Season, break these negative bonds Satan holds over you. Prayerfully ask God to come live in that black hole space within you that is sucking away the light of His love & what HE has in store of you. It's easy to stay in defeat, the real work comes in trusting. Trust Him until it hurts, and God shows you (& the world!) what He can do!

Remember: Jeremiah 29:11 speaks of the plans HE has for us, not on our own plans. Do as I've been told by the Holy Spirit....(ok, smacked upside the head to listen, admittedly!)...."stop getting in the way of the plans I have for you, quit interfering!"

Hugs my bb's ~ Merana

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Friendship

I think God allows friendships to develop, flourish, and even sustain over great amount of time as a way to demonstrate his vast love for us. I've had this demonstrated recently.

#1) there's ALWAYS my best friend, Nanette, back home. We've known one another since we were 10. She comes home every time I do (she lives 6 hours from there, I live 13) just so we can see each other. We talk almost every day. When schedules make it so we don't talk for a few days or even {gasp} a week, we go through withdrawal!

#2) then there's Alecia. We met our freshman year of college. We talk every few weeks (ok, sometimes, months). But it's one of those things where you pick up a conversation like you just had it the day before.

#3) then there's Kathleen, who lives down the street. She's a busy mom of 4. We don't get together much anymore. But I know she's there & that she loves me, as I do her. We'd be there in a heartbeat for each other, if it were needed.

#4) I got a surprise phone call this past Sunday evening. An old friend from back before I had kids. Mardelle & I started working at the company the same day. I left when I started my family, she left not long after. We've only kept in touch via Christmas cards over the years. The sad thing is, we only live 45 minutes away from one another. But somehow we all, I believe, just let life pass us by. Delle took the time to reach out to me. It was a fabulous conversation full of laughter, as she & I were so known to do! We hung up with promises to get together once I finish painting my hallway & stairway...so in a few weeks. We're now connected on Facebook (I LOOOOOVE Facebook!) I honestly felt a euphoric "high" all evening after we talked & I talked about her to my kids.

#5) now I have you, my BB's. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I value all of you for your insight, inspiration, laughter, prayers, and friendship through this Internet chasm. I value you all! Thank you.

And mostly, Lord, thank you! Thank you for reminding me that even when I feel alone because I don't physically have someone to share things with, and even when I get upset with you b/c you can't hold my hand, give me a hug, or even a poke in the ribs.....you still find a way to reach out to me....in friendship! I love you!


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Cliches, Platitudes, and Humbling

I've been having a hard time, my BB's and could certainly use some prayers. I'll be honest, I hate Valentine's Day! It's yet another reminder to those of us who are single, have no idea any more where to look to even meet people, and have gotten to the broken point of solitude, of our "aloneness". Now, before you say it...trust me, I've already thought it, "God is always with me. He will never leave me or forsake me." But it still doesn't help. He's not here to give me a hug. He's not here to be a shoulder to cry on. He's not here for something as simple as to hold my hand. Never, people, never lose the significance of the value of human touch....or of tears. I read once that some people actually die from loneliness...and I believe that. Yes, I have my children, but they want to be around me only perhaps 5% of the time. The rest of the time, as children do, it's "Mom, what time is dinner (or even what's for dinner)" or "Mom, can you take me here or there" or "Mom, can so & so come over, can we have a sleepover". Please don't get me wrong. I'm not upset with them. They're being typical kids. No, what I mostly miss are the subtle nuances of a relationship: being able to trust someone, looking forward to sharing good news with someone, making decisions with someone. I have none of that.

Then there's the sheer fact of having friends to do something with, even just one! I have none of that either. I try. But everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives, nobody can ever do anything. I don't blame them. I do understand this. But, let me tell ya, it hurts like h*ll when I find out several times that groups have gone out to do something, and nobody ever considered calling to include me.

I'm lonely, terribly lonely. There, I said it! You wanna know the truth? The most support I get is from you, dear BB's. It's pathetic that I have to sit at a computer to find friendship, support & solace. Yet, I consider it a blessing.

I tried to get involved in a church. Didn't work. You can only be put off so many times trying to volunteer for any number of things. I don't have skin of steel that when activities are canceled & I show up, to realize nobody bothered to call me to let me know, that that doesn't hurt either. Or that several people in the group got together & didn't include me. So, hot knife through butter...I never went back. Ran into the pastor's wife & when she inquired as to why she hasn't seen me in so long & was I ok, I told her. It would have been so easy to sweep it under the rug & say, "oh, I've been busy". But I just couldn't do that. I was so incredibly hurt. I had been in for counseling on this very thing, but nobody... and I do mean NOBODY bothered to check to see if I was alright after not seeing me since October. So, there I stood in Subway, placing my order with tears streaming down my face, paying for my order with even more tears, and finally leaving after telling her I just couldn't come back. I told her that even tho' my dad & step-mom live 45 minutes away & I know they love me & have been there so many times (but there's only so much I feel I can go to them with), I have no one. Nobody locally who supports me. No one that I can rant about something that upsets me. No one that I can call for support. That the church should be my family, my rock of support (especially when they knew where I was coming from), and just how alone I am. I told her that I get more support from my best friend 1/2 a country away & from my blogging buddies, than I do from them who are 2 miles away. And then I got home & felt guilty. I don't like to make anyone feel bad, ever. So, what did I do? Called my best friend, 1/2 a country away, crying my eyes out to her. (I'm serious...she needs to be elected for sainthood for what all she's gotten me through!) And she told me I did the right thing, and not to feel guilty. She said, "you handled it very well. You didn't explode or do it in anger. But you let your hurt & disappointment show. The church is supposed to be there for you, and if they feel convicted, then that's what God wants them to understand...they are not reaching out to the hurting world the way they apparently think they are." On the cerebral level, I understand this. But my heart hurts nonetheless.


I realize, in the grand scheme of things that God's taking the broken pieces of my heart and making a lovely kaliedescope of beauty with them. But, it's still not whole, lovely as it may be.






I know that we've all had broken hearts. Unfortunately, it's the condition of being human. Right now tho', I'm just trying desperately to not let everything get sucked into the black hole in my heart. That place in me that just hurts & longs for people to share my life with. It's not SO much about finding love again, although I will admit that I really do want that. It's about just having human relationship with others who genuinely CARE about me & show it. I have people I work with, but that's different. I try to keep my work & personal life separate.

I'm often angry. I'm often depressed. I've gotten so adept at putting on a good facade, but truth be told, I honestly feel a part of me is dying.

I typically stay home when I don't have the boys (and yes, admittedly, after being a full-time mom for 2 wks with no break, I relish the solitude). And yes, when I have the boys, we do stuff together - but often with them going grudgingly. Otherwise, when I do go out, I go out alone. I eat alone. I go to movies or events alone. I got to ball games alone. Occasionally, I even go hear a band alone. I shop alone. I walk alone. Part of me finds this absolutely pathetic, but part of me is comforted to know that I have the strength to do things alone. I will not give up & just do nothing, but be a homebody simply because I have no one to share it with. My mother always told me I was very independent, even as an infant. Perhaps that's why I refuse to sit back & do nothing. If it's something I want to do/see, I just go do it alone. At least I have the pleasure of doing that. Yes, it would be so much nicer to share it with someone or a group, but I refuse to let life pass me by!

Then I think....maybe I'm TOO independent. I've tried Internet dating off & on for several years. Total waste of time b/c all anyone is interested in is sex. Or nobody is really who they say they are. It truly is Satan's playground. And this has caused my hurt heart to fortify it's walls, and build them higher. I think my greatest fear is that even when God finally DOES bring someone into my life (b/c yes, I still believe in that!), I'm going to be so set in my ways that either a) I won't even recognize someone special, and b) I will no longer know how to open up & share myself with them b/c I've gone so long sharing nothing, but living in this "solitudinal" place.

My son even asked me recently why I like NCIS & those type of shows. I told him that it's mostly b/c I love mysteries & I love to watch them solve 'who dun it'. But that I just don't like to watch romance movies or read romance books b/c I just don't "get" it. I don't have it in my life. I haven't had it for well over 13 years, and it's hard to watch it happening for other people. I can't even count the number of people I've seen who have marriages/relationships split up after mine did & now they're blissfully happy with someone else. I'm strong enough to admit that that's really difficult for me. I'm happy for them...really, I am! But, it just further solidifies my aloneness. It's hard.

And I'm reminded of the cliche "be careful what you wish for". I did wish for, pray earnestly for, being out of my marriage. Answered prayer. It was mentally & verbally abusive. It took years to be answered, but answered prayer it is! And this grass of aloneness is definitely greener than that was. I got my wish. My prayer was answered. I'd still take this life over that any day of the week...hands down! But, it's not a lush lawn full of picnics & cloud watching.


So, I was crying about it all yesterday & saying to myself, "what's wrong with me?" Then I realized it was Satan...up to his conniving ways. I hate him! No seriously, I truly do HATE him!!! So, I just started repeating over & over & over, "Jesus loves me!" "Jesus fought for me!" "Jesus died for me!" To the point that I was actually screaming that at Satan. And crying still. And my humbling point then came. "Am I not enough for you, dear child?" My broken confession was "No, Lord. I'm sorry! I shouldn't want more, but I do. I desperately want to fulfill who you made me to be. But I just don't feel like I am. All I feel like I do is go through this thing called life, day to day, not really doing anything but existing. I'm SORRY, Father! I'm trying to be content here. I definitely am so very thankful for the blessings you've given me. But, there's just got to be MORE than this .... this....whatever "this" is."


I'm at a loss, my BB's. Please pray for me b/c I am SO very, very tired of feeling this way! I want to stop feeling so terribly alone. I want my life to count for something. I want to touch others for Him. I want to be open to allowing someone in to my life. I want to trust. I want to share. I want to be involved. I want desperately to find the right church where I can offer God's gifts. I want to do more than exist.


Thank you, my friends, for patiently reading what must seem a pathetic little Pity Party Train. Believe me, tho', when I say it's deeper than that. I realize Satan is coming against me pretty strong right now. I can't go up against him alone. I can pray, and I can extol God's virtues loudly, but it's not enough. I need some prayer warriors on my side. Please help me!


Through my tears ~ Merana


PS - ok, so I've walked the dog & taken a very long, very hot shower & God was gracious (as He always is!) to remind me what He put on my heart previously (as He did about this blog, I might add!). There is a decided lack of singles groups catering to the mid-age bracket. There are senior groups, there are singles groups for the 20's/early 30's crowd, but not really for the mid-30's to mid-50's group. So, perhaps this is something He would like for me to look into doing. I've told Him I will do it, just please show me how & where to start it. Not as a dating group, but for friendships. And for safe ways of meeting people. Please pray for clarity on this for me as well, and if it's His desire that I do this, to open doors to show me the way to make it happen.

Follow His Commands!

Hmmm, who do we think we are? Indeed! How many of us follow the path of our choosing, as opposed to seeking God's counsel first? I know I certainly have....and admittedly, still do. And then in retrospect I say "Oops, Lord, sorry! What would you have me do now that I'm here & have gone ahead & done this?" Feel the slap on the hand yet?

It's amazing how I discover things in my Bible that I just never saw before. Oh, I don't know....like the whole book of Deuteronomy! Ok, I read it in my first Bible. But, I got myself a new Bible because I'd marked up my older one & couldn't see anything with fresh eyes. Ummmm, got that back in 2007. Seriously, almost 4 years & I haven't read Deut yet?! But, oh how the Holy Spirit it faithful to reveal SO much through the fresh eyes of a clean page, and life experiences over those 4 years to make verses just leap off the page! Here's what I've seen, dear BB's with related Scripture the Spirit lead me to also share:

"...what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD’s commands and decrees..." (Deut. 10:12-13)

"but I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in obedience to all I command you, that it may go well with you." (Jer. 7:23)

"But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the LORD your God and obey him. For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your ancestors, which he confirmed to them by oath." (Deut. 4:29-31)

"Fear the LORD your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name. Do not follow other gods, the gods of the peoples around you..." (Deut. 6:13-14) (These "gods" could be any number of things we idolize: tv, other people, sports figures, money, addictions, etc.)

"Do not put the LORD your God to the test as you did at Massah. Be sure to keep the commands of the LORD your God and the stipulations and decrees he has given you. Do what is right and good in the LORD’s sight, so that it may go well with you and you may go in and take over the good land the LORD promised on oath to your ancestors..." (Deut. 6:16-18)

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments." (Deut. 7:9)

"If you pay attention to these laws and are careful to follow them, then the LORD your God will keep his covenant of love with you, as he swore to your ancestors." (Deut. 7:12) (see that? we must FIRST follow God's laws carefully & THEN he will keep His covenant. Why would He bless us if we don't bother to follow Him?)

"Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD." (Deut. 8:2-3) (God causes us to "hunger". I believe that hunger is those things within us that we strive for, dream of, hunger for that we just can't seem to attain. It's a deep-seated desire that is unfulfilled, not something superficial. I believe He "causes us to hunger" to test us to see if we will seek Him with all our heart and soul. THEN He will work things that bring about the fulfillment of that hunger by revealing even more of Himself through the process!)

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Is. 55:9)


It all boils down to trust, my friends!

Hmmm, wonder what else is to be revealed as I continue on in Deut?! Can't wait to learn & share with you, dear BB's!

Be blessed by what He's shared with you here today through me. Thank you, Father, for using me to reach your followers and any lost souls! ~ Merana


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The Beauty of "Grace" (Hidden Treasure #4)

Hello my precious BB's. Oh how I wish I could sit here & read endlessly all the trials, dreams, hopes, fears you all share with the blogging world. Alas, I'm neglectful in my time here. I feel it.

Awhile back I told y'all that I've been concentrating on the smaller books of the Bible. I read Esther all the way through this a.m. But last week I was reading Nehemiah. Powerful, powerful book! God shared with me what He wants me to share with you from this book, a bit more mixed up & discombobulated than how Nehemiah wrote it...but it gets the point across in the end. Everything I take is from Nehemiah 9 NIV.

But when they were oppressed they cried out to you. From heaven you heard them and in your great compassion you gave them deliverers, who rescued them from the hand of their enemies (v. 27b&c) But see, we are slaves today...{we are slaves to different things in this world, BB's...time waste, obligations, addictions, disobedience, avoidance, intolerance, depression} (v.36). And when they cried out to you again, you heard from heaven, and in your compassion you delivered them time after time. (v. 28c)

But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them even when...{choose whatever "even when" that applies to you, BB's} (v.17-18) Because of your great compassion you did not abandon them... (v. 19) You gave your good Spirit to instruct them. You did not withhold... (v. 20)

For many years you were patient with them. By your Spirit you admonished them... (v.30) In your great mercy you did not put an end to them or abandon them, for you are a gracious and merciful God. (v. 31) In all that has happened to us, you have been just; you have acted faithfully, while we did wrong. (v. 33) You have kept your promise because you are righteous. (v.8b)


Grace is offered, not because of who we are, because we will always most certainly fall short, but because it is God showing us His mercy in action.

Thank you, Father God, for loving me and for forgiving me even though....

Blessings ~ Merana


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