I've come a long way lately. I've had some rough patches & got pretty mad at God & was truly ready to turn my back on Him. It's that stubborn side of me He created that kept me hanging on to the thread of faith I had left. That's what got me to call my pastor sobbing "I just don't understand how any of this is for my good, or for the good of my children. Where's the hope He promises in Jeremiah 29:11? I just don't have it." Then my pastor asked me a very simple question..."How much do you worship God?" Boy, that smacked me upside the head (kinda like Gibbs does to Tony on NCIS all the time {you'll come to learn I'm an avid NCIS fan, so there may be many references in posts to come}). Funny thing is...God woke me up at 4 a.m. that same morning saying simply, "Why would I bless you with anything more, when you haven't bothered to thank me for the blessings you already have received." Ummmm...okay. Point taken.
So I turned my attitude around. And I learned what it is to completely surrender this time. No more holding on to what I want...much less trying to look for it, or trying to make it happen. No more pity party to which I hear very distinctly "oh, what's the matter, are you not getting your way?" (hear that as you reprimanding a toddler!). And I pray the following:
"Dear God, I am full of wishes, full of desires, full of expectations. Some of them may be realized, many may not, but in the midst of all my satisfactions and disappointments, I hope in You. I know that you will never leave me alone and will fulfill your divine promises. Even when it seems that things are not going my way, I know that they are going your way, and that, in the end, your way is the best way for me. O Lord, strengthen my hope, especially when my many wishes are not fulfilled. Let me never forget that your name is Love. Amen" (Henri J.M Nouwen)
Let me tell you...there has been so much internal peace in my life since I made that decision. Turmoils & struggles still abound, but peace prevails.
And when I finally let go of my plan, that allowed God to start working His plan. So now...I'm able to reach out to anyone who will stop by & stay awhile through reading what He's revealed to me. And more importantly, I see now that I wouldn't have time to do any of these things had I tried to pursue my plan.
What an awesome experience. Hasn't been easy, and most certainly hasn't been pleasant. But, now I see just how rewarding it's been. I can say in all honesty that through our struggles we grow stronger. It's hard to admit this, Lord...but You were right, and I was wrong! (P.S. ... thank you for that!)
Beautifully written and well put!! You're right about the peace that comes when you finally surrender to God.
ReplyDeleteOh my, the first part of your testimony sounds terribly familier. I think I have just been smacked to. Lol. But this is so true, we have to surrender to God and His plan for our life. How can we know what is best for us, and what makes us think we really know what is best for our family. God uses all these things to help us be strong and depend on Him. Thank you for your honesty. God Bless you!
ReplyDeleteHi Merana,
ReplyDeleteI understand this cry out to God for which sometimes there are no words to express the emotions we feel at that moment. I know <(not long ago actually) I was praying and being bombarded with thoughts of defeat and unworthiness when I declared that I had no one else to turn to and that if my life was hopeless, it would be hopeless in Christ.
The promise of Christ to never leave or forsake me reinforces my hope and trust in Him. I may fall, I may fail miserably, and I may get knocked down but I thank God that I'm rising back up in the power and strength of Christ. The bible says, "...and having done everything, to stand firm." -- I'm committed to stand firm.
Blessings and peace to you.
MTJ